I thought a little personal update is in order. Although I intend to keep these kind of posts to a minimum on this blog, it seems a good time. I hope to keep this brief tho.
Business things first. My wife and I divorced amicably a couple of months back and I moved out of the family home permanently. We are on good terms and trying to untangle all our stuff. In fact our relationship is improving steadily and it's fair to say we are good friends again. After a long time trying, I finally managed to get a modest studio flat that's in a safe area near to the children. And I see them loads. The four of us still do some family stuff together, and hopefully more and more as things settle down.
My social transition is going amazingly well. I have been unrestricted in my options for quite some time now and have been able to fully present myself as the person I really am. I pass pretty well now and this makes day to day life so much easier for me. Although it adds a whole new dimension to how the world reacts to me. I think I'm fairly pretty on a good day and I do get a lot of male attention. This doesn't bother me so much but rather does make me realise how unrelenting the male gaze is. However, my voice is a dead give away, and when I need to interact with
people personally, my trans identity is clear for all to see in other ways too. But this
doesn't bother be at all, I'm very comfortable to be open about this (in the right spaces). I'm proud of who I am and have no interest in 'going stealth'. However, there are some things I can do to just make life a bit simpler. I see them more as a neccessity than what I want to do.
Also, through meeting many awesome trans and queer women recently, my social life has just took off. Hardly a week goes by that doesn't completely surprise me. It's been quite a ride. And much of it is thanks to the people I have surrounded myself with: people who love me for who I am. It's an amazing feeling to be truly accepted as the woman I am by them.
My mental health is also improving a steady rate. The depression is slowly fading and I can't see it returning any time soon. I feel much more a part of the world these days, a world I love and wish to take part in rather than slip through unnoticed. I feel more present than I ever have in my whole life. The converse of this is twofold. Anxiety is a daily problem for me at the moment and also gender dysphoria. Whereas six months ago I was almost entirely keeping a lid on it, as my transition has progressed, bits and pieces have been exposed. And now there are days where it absolutely crushes me. It sometimes feels as bad as my worst times of depression. However, these episodes are usually short, but they can be really damaging.
I'm seeing a counsellor weekly. He's been the best counsellor I've ever seen and really helps me sort through my crap and learn to deal with it effectively. He's been a godsend and an essential part of my transition.
Medically, I've only just been diagnosed as Transsexual by the NHS. It's been such a long wait and many time scales have been extended, goalposts moved and gatekeepers to be contended with. But finally, its happened and I'm so happy. This means I will receive funding for the treatment I need. First order of business is HRT. And facial hair removal.
But I have already been self medicating HRT for about a month now. I intend to continue until the actual day I receive my first prescription. My best information is that this will be in about four months, hopefully. But I'll take that with a pinch of salt and not waste any more time.
I won't lie. This has been the hardest thing ever. Things have happened I didn't think I would survive. But I've realised I'm strong. I've learned so much about myself and there's so much more work to do. I believe I'm a better person for having been through all this. And I can now be the best parent I can possibly be for my two boys which is what it's all about. They see the changes in me, they see me as a happy, loving parent and they love me back with equal ferocity. This is what makes it worthwhile.
For the first time in my life -- on some fundamental level -- I'M HAPPY. And it keeps getting better.
- ▼ September (4)
- ► 2012 (28)